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“Whether or not we think we can
benefit from criticism, we are all going to get plenty of it and we might as
well learn how to handle it effectively. Shame
and anger will inevitably be involved and those powerful emotional responses so
confuse and overwhelm our experience of criticism that we will have difficulty
responding objectively and effectively.” (p.
21)
Shame and anger are powerful, basic emotions that often haunt and torture
us. Brock Hansen expertly explores these two emotions in this poignant and
highly-readable book. Hansen, a
psychotherapist and NLP practitioner who works with “shame-based disorders,”
writes that shame and anger are responses to criticism and that sensitivity to
criticism is ubiquitous in our culture. His
book teaches us how to understand these two emotions and how to improve our
ability to give and receive criticism.
Who hasn’t felt the sting of criticism? While we often
welcome and request recommendations for improvement, it is the unsolicited
criticism that catches us off guard; that feels so much like a judgment that it
evokes shame, or so much like an attack that it evokes anger.
While criticism serves to maintain social order, we are not generally
taught how to accept criticism gracefully or to give criticism in a helpful,
tactful way. Hansen’s book fills
the gap in the socialization process.
In Shame and Anger
we learn that emotions serve the evolutionary purpose of survival of the
species. Anger motivates us to
attack or defend against an enemy. Shame
is a signal of surrender that allows survival when the odds against us are too
great to risk aggression. If the one who surrenders is lucky, he will live,
perhaps to procreate; perhaps to fight another day. However, to remain in a
state of surrender puts one at risk for further attack, a lower place in the
social hierarchy, and limited opportunities for mating.
Therefore, Hansen reasons, “…shame
is always followed by a surge of aggression that helps the survivor reestablish
a sense of power and position.” (p. 40).
The same dynamic can happen between parents and children.
Children often rebel against parental dictates. However, when a parent scolds a
child, the child’s shame can often be reversed by reconciliation and the
parent’s assurance of continuing love and affection.
If this reconciliation does not occur, Hansen predicts the child will
develop behavioral and emotional problems.
Healthful shame instills conscience.
Toxic shame, on the other hand, sets up a complex cycle of anger,
self-loathing, fear and distrust, and accompanying negative behaviors that draw
social censure and still more shame. Toxic
shame is often caused by abuse, neglect, dysfunctional family relationships, or
trauma. Many who experience toxic
shame strive for an impossible level of perfection in an effort to eradicate
feelings of unworthiness. The most
common symptom of toxic shame is depression, often triggered by perceived loss
of status or perceived emotional abandonment.
Chapter seven in Shame and Anger
provides an astute analysis of the biochemical and emotional components of
depression, showing that the body often reflects one’s emotional and social
environment.
While Part I of this book discusses the author’s
theoretical approach to shame and anger, Part II gives practical solutions and
healthful strategies for managing these emotions. Hansen
states: “If we hope to make the best use of criticism we would want the
process of interpreting the criticism to be generally calm, balanced, and
objective. Instead, for most of us,
interpreting criticism is a highly and subjective experience.” (p. 81).
Hansen points out that few of us handle criticism in a
manner we would like. If fear and
shame are the predominant response, the tendency is to exaggerate the
“truth” of the criticism (“I must be an idiot!”).
If anger is the predominant response, the tendency is to disregard the
criticism (He is an idiot!). Neither
response is entirely healthy.
The first step is to calm the emotional arousal.
Hansen recommends approaches from domestic violence intervention, Neuro-Linguistic
Programming, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing, and relaxation response
training, as well as yoga, meditation, and neuro-feedback.
Then he goes on to tell us how to respond to criticism resourcefully.
“…in every
generation of humankind, confident individuals have exhibited a response to
criticism that minimizes shame and anger and gives them the best chance of
learning from the critical feedback of others.
A very few seem to be able to react patiently even when attacked with
malicious and unjustified scorn. They
appear to have learned that their own internal responses are potentially more
damaging than the words of the critic. By
calming their internal responses, they maintain their balance in the situation
and can judge for themselves the truth or value of the criticism.” (p.
101)
Hansen advocates values clarification and cognitive therapy
as worthwhile processes for finding one’s “internal compass” and for
overcoming negative thinking. He
also teaches the NLP model for responding to criticism, which helps one to a)
perceive criticism objectively, as information based on another’s values, and
b) evaluate the validity of the criticism. Hansen
does an excellent job of explaining this NLP process.
I would recommend an additional step: c) visualize and mentally rehearse
the new verbal and behavioral responses that result from changed perceptions and
emotions.
Hansen also provides a succinct strategy for delivering
criticism without shaming. He
summarizes Liz Lerman’s peer criticism model for group evaluation of creative
work, and presents his adaptation as a one-on-one process.
The steps are:
1)
State your feelings.
2)
Describe the desired behavior.
3)
Ask for what you want.
4)
Say thank you.
Hansen describes the steps in detail, with attention to the
timing and structure of effective criticism.
He includes specific implications for parents of small children.
The book concludes with Hansen’s observations on shame
and anger in the human condition. He
discusses how shame and anger accompany loss, crisis or disaster, disability,
addiction, divorce, aging and the prospect of one’s own death.
He examines shame in the social context, with regard to ostracism,
censure, belonging, violence, crime and punishment, public criticism of
celebrities and leaders, and the polarizing effects of political debate.
The final chapter is a worthwhile and thought-provoking
discussion of shame and spirituality. Hansen
writes that spiritual practices, such as surrendering to that which we cannot
control and staying mindful of the present, can help us to release shame and
anger. This chapter also examines
the concepts of good and evil, forgiveness and vengeance, and the effects of
power, control, and judgment.
Shame and Anger
is highly relevant today’s political and social climate.
Hansen is an astute mental health professional who treats this subject
with knowledge and sensitivity. I commend him for his scholarly approach, his
articulate treatment of concepts, theories, and methods, and his clarity and
organization. I recommend this book
to anyone who directly guides the lives of others: therapists, parents,
teachers, physicians, nurses, clergy, managers and leaders.
I also recommend it for those who have not fully mastered the process of
responding to or giving criticism effectively and appropriately.
For More Information
Hansen maintains a blog for people who wish to discuss this
book or anonymously share experiences of shame and anger in the face of
criticism. The URL is http://shameandanger.blogspot.com.
You can learn more about Brock Hansen’s work and read his articles on
shame, eating disorders and emotional intelligence for children at his web site:
www.ei4rkids.com.
_____________
Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D. is a licensed counselor and psychotherapist with
a private practice in
Springfield
,
Virginia
where she specializes in Hypnotherapy and Neuro-Linguistic Programming. She is
also a free-lance writer and speaker. Her web site is www.engagethepower.com.
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